recklessly speaking…

I can’t imagine that the ever-evolving dynamics of “love relationships” can ever be defined in words.  Yet since the beginning of language, writers have tried to wrap their heads around it.  Well, we simply can’t help ourselves.

The buzz of the first attraction, the comfort of time spent together, and the pain of the eventual and inevitable separation.  There’s no right or wrong way to do it.  One truth that we can all agree upon is that sooner or later, it hurts.

This isn’t to say it’s a bad thing to have experienced it.  If we spent our entire lives trying to avoid being hurt, we might as well hide under a rock and wait to die.  Some go the seemingly practical way…home, marriage, monogamy.  Some seek the excitement, never settling down, pleasure seeking, living off the highs, and bolting before having to experience the lows.

Some of us, I daresay us masochists, the romantics, the lovers.  We take on the pain willingly, and thrive on the ebb and flow of the experience.  We jump in.  Not necessarily blindly, but not expecting anything in particular…so we never have enough of an excuse to be disappointed.  Or at least, that’s what we tell ourselves.

But ultimately, at least for myself, it’s not about seeking and finding.  It’s just about being open.  I open my heart, because aside from the pain, and aside from the knowledge of eventual separation, I can’t imagine not living my life in a way that allows me to experience something that in that time span, or even just in the moment, reminds me that I’m alive.  The beauty of being free is expression.  The beauty of being open is the freedom to receive.

I suppose the true lesson to be learned is how to Love without expectation.  How to Love with kindness and gratitude for time well spent, and without resentment when things change.  To Love with honesty and communication.  And to Love without needing or requiring anything of others.  Unconditional.  Always replenish-able.  Love.

Many of us have toyed with the concept of detachment, usually provoked by the language of eastern philosophies and traditions.  Buddhism brings it up consistently, but I’ve found that Tao or “Dao” as most of us have come to hear of it (yes, it’s spelled both ways), tends to have the most beautiful way of explaining it.

The end of Verse 8 in Tao Te Ching for example, says:

“…He moves in harmony with the present moment
always knowing the truth of just what to do.”

I used to think detachment ultimately meant not caring, but the more I have applied the principles to my life, I’ve realized that it’s quite the opposite.

Practicing detachment, at least applied to my own life, has meant more about tolerance and acceptance of the present.  Many don’t want to live in the present because of this notion that the past was better, or they are looking forward to the future, which they hope will be better.  I suppose the best way that I can battle this notion is to remind people that even in the past, they were either looking backwards or forwards.

Detachment in the most practical sense has removed me, for the most part, from the attachment to material objects, but it has also given me peace when dealing with the darker moments in life, death included.  Don’t get me wrong, I have things that I enjoy, but I no longer fear losing them.

We hear things like “everything happens for a reason,” and so many times I’ve thought to myself…wow, that didn’t make me feel better at all.  It wasn’t until I began embracing some of the darker moments, and using those feelings and that energy for something else, that I learned to stop trying to control everything, including the way that I feel and see the world.

Oddly enough, once I let go of the illusion of control, I started to feel joy.  Even in the dark moments, I am grateful for the experience.

Of Politics:

It boasts it’s interest in structure, but ignores it’s own greed.   It gives itself the power to intimidate people to support it’s own ambition.  It’s not just the people that run it, or the people that voted for the people that run it…it has become an entity of itself.

It lives and breathes.

Politics is a monster created by people that fear other people.  It is a meme, and it’s mere existence begets it’s own power.

Politics that malfunction…meaning ALL Politics (based on the past), have a tendency to self-destruct.  The destruction is necessary, but Politics, being the greedy monster that it is… doesn’t die without taking out those around it.

When the people start to be afraid of their own politicians (government), it is the beginning of it’s own end.  It has already become too big.

The growth of Politics of any kind cannot be reversed.

Power begets too much power, with Politics.

Of Love:

Love is a force that doesn’t require money.  It is replenished from within, so there is no need for an exchange.

Love is a gift that can be given by all.  It can transform societies. It can bring prosperity.   It can ease suffering, and bring peace of mind.  It is ancient, and more powerful than any weapon or any amount of money.

I may change my mind about the nature of Politics, when Love becomes a priority.

The spark.

I believe that it was some time mid August that my good friend Teena asked me to come out to meet with a group of girls to do some hoop yoga.  Now, I was reluctant, and only minorly interested in what that actually meant, but as a fan of yoga in general, and a Kundalini enthusiast, I obliged.

Having not picked up a hula hoop in about fifteen years (if that), I was surprised at the memory of the motion, and the way the circles enveloping the body feel.  I only stayed for about thirty minutes, but the event at Abner Clay Park, and the laid back and amazing people that were there left quite an impression on me.  The sense of acceptance and camaraderie was overwhelming.  And they danced so fluidly; they appeared to be in complete and total bliss.   I was hooked.

The flame.

A few weeks passed.  I only attended one other event at Abner Clay Park.  Unfortunately my day job left little time for me to be entirely involved in the community.  I did, however, buy my first hoop.  This was the beginning.

I was in a personal transition at this time.  Technically I was homeless, but I was living well, staying at a friend’s place in Carytown.  School hadn’t started yet so after working my day job, I would come home in the evenings and practice in the backyard.  I found that even though I was alone most of the time, I still felt connected to these beautiful ladies that I met at the park, and once in a while, I’d manage to make it to Teena’s house for some practice.

The fire.

Some time has passed.  I can say that over the last couple months, hooping has not only been a fantastic workout, but a completely amazing outlet.  The energy that hooping has brought to my life in such a short period of time is incredible.  I have opened doors to a community of people that I felt an immediate and divine connection with.

I have also opened up a part of myself as well.  As a lover of the written word, I didn’t feel that I was expressing myself completely, at least in a tangible sense of the word.  I was completely capable of talking and writing about feelings and experiences.  But there is something profound in the physical expression of emotion through movement.

I’ve written so much in the past about the clarity that one can experience when their body, mind, and soul are aligned, and working in harmony.  I think I have found a connection.

I want to thank RVA Hoop Lovers, and I am so excited to experience what the future holds.

Dizzy thoughts preside.  Moonlit nights, black lace and a pretty painted face.  Where do I go from here?  Stay?  Get happy?  Get complacent. Get bored.  Get going.  Another mess to clean up.  Another heart repair.  Another death in life.  More resentment.  More alienation.  More stares.

Death in life is there for a reason.  I die and I die and I die so that I can live.  So that I can see.  So that I can keep breathing.  Keep learning.  Keep moving forward.  No walls.  No ceiling.  Only space.  Space to branch out.  Space to grow.  Space to explore.  Never complacent.  Never satisfied.  Self inflicted suffering for the sake of death for the sake of life.  Simultaneous and conflicting…but never…EVER…constricting.

You live to settle.  I live to move.  To flow.  To grow.  To drown you and to save you.  To love you, but leave you.  But only for the sake of love.  You’ll grow. I’ll grow.  That’s how water flows.  Thats what I know.  Thats how I’ll go.  On and on, until I dry up.

scorpio intensity

leo confidence

gemini wit

aquarius will

pisces sensitivity

taurus purpose

capricorn stability

aries energy

virgo taste

libra balance

saggitarius ambition

cancer intuition

Virtually, you can make a multitude of decisions on the way that people see you.  You can choose to be anonymous or you can choose to be open.

The things that you would see as dull and uninteresting, can be virtually appealing, and vice versa.  How virtual do you want your self to be?

Well, we show what we are willing to show.  People don’t necessarily want everything to be private…they just want to have the choice.

Relationships are where virtual personalities get interesting.  People, especially people that are willing to open up online, might give you more insight into themselves, through their virtual selves.  There are several aspects that could be beneficial…or harmful, depending on how you look at it:

You can express yourself more freely, without the pressure of timing; and well, you always have the backspace button, so there is less insecurity.  You can also hide things.  This is probably the most shared virtual personality trait, among us.  However open we may be…there are some things you just don’t talk about virtually, for all kinds of reasons.  Then again, there are plenty of things we say virtually, that we wouldn’t say in person.  We open and shut doors between these two realities constantly, without giving it much thought.

Entire relationships are maintained online.  Yet a relationship can end online, and it still applies face to face. We have the ability to use our self created parallel realities to help manage our actual lives.

It may not seem glamourous all broken down and explained…but basically we have made a manifestation of self, that is OF self, but is not self.  But, as the creator of this manifestation of self, you also have the choice to maintain your virtual self, or not.  You can also choose to speak through it, or not.

You are choosing what to reveal, and what not to reveal.  You are making up realities and choosing whether or not to involve yourself with your own creations.  We virtually forsake some, while confusing the virtual universe by beginning new virtual relationships.

Goddish isn’t it?  (in the humanized-version-of-god sense)  But, of course, what we don’t do…is give our virtual selves free will.

Although I recognize the benefits of positive thinking and channeling positive energy, I  do not think it is the answer to everything.  To me, it merely medicates some of the symptoms of what we may recognize as negative energy.

First, this is based on the premise that positive energy and negative energy exists, I’d go further, but that isn’t what this is about…

Second, human beings are capable of a wide range of emotional experiences, and I think that by trying to suppress all other energies, you are only asking for disaster.  We were meant to feel things.  Human emotion, in a way, is meant to honor the gravity of how we experience life.  There is virtue in detachment, but there is no rule behind it disallowing you to feel.

There is a time to be sad, and there is a time to be angry.  If you deem yourself above such emotions, you are only denying yourself truth.  Now, I’m not saying that you should wallow in your own pity, or act violently out of anger.  What you do with these feelings is what makes the difference.

I think its great if you can channel sadness or anger into positive thoughts.  It works as a fantastic defense mechanism if you find yourself overwhelmed, but denying their existence, ignoring them, or simply suppressing them is only setting yourself up for an emotional explosion down the road. 

I write to release emotion.  Often I can appear to be quite unstable in my writing…but the fact is, once I put it out there, I’ve released some of that energy from my own emotional location, and I let the universe deal with it however it will.  It might make me look crazy…but at least I’m not pretending  that life is just one “positive thought” after another.

In lieu of my approaching 26^th birthday, and over some reflection about my life in the last few weeks, I was disturbed to recognize something about myself that is true in almost all aspects of my life.  I am a commitment phobe.  I am genuinely, without a doubt, indubitably, undeniably afraid to commit to just about everything.

I have trouble committing to the simplest of tasks, and even some of the most exciting and fun opportunities, not to mention relationships.  I have denied myself small pleasures and huge opportunities on the basis of my “inability” to make plans.

My excuse, which is actually true sometimes, is that some of the best times in my life have been beautifully disorganized, and unplanned.

The fatal flaw of this logic is that while attempting to be incredibly open to the universe, I don’t listen to it…(get this)… unless it appears to be spontaneous.

In the grand scheme of things, two weeks is not that early to make a plan for a trip, and making plans for the weekend on Wednesday is not necessarily the sign of control freak, and certainly doesn’t mean that I am not allowing the universe to bring opportunity.

How funny we behave sometimes without recognizing the contradictions within ourselves.  I don’t necessarily believe that this is intentional, but true nonetheless.

Stillness and reflection strike again.

Heard this before?: “I get along with guys better than I get along with girls.”

Women of the world, why do we treat each other the way we ask men not to treat us? From the time we are small children, and through our entire lives, we are trained to size each other up like pieces of meat. Our patriarchal society has not only allowed men to see us in such a way, but has taught women to see each other that way.

I grew up hearing the women around me tear themselves down, and other women. Even strangers are under a microscope. We are all guilty of this, and often don’t even realize it when it is happening. It creates nothing but distrust, insecurity, and unnecessary competition, and it feeds the cycle of repression. The silliest part of it all, is that it is a bold faced lie! Aside from our very basic animal instincts of reproduction, there is no standard measure of the ultimate “woman form.”

The bodies that we were given are the bodies that we are meant to have in this lifetime. We should take care of them the best way that we can, and stop harboring ill will towards ourselves, and other women, for what we have been given. We can lose weight, change our hair, wear color contacts, get plastic surgery, but no matter how long we try and keep this up, our bodies are just temporary meat bags…that just happen to be the only way that we can perceive the world that we are living in. The lie that we are being told, and telling ourselves, is that our temporary bodies determine our value.

The enemy wants us to believe the lie that we have to compete with each other, but in reality, we can learn an incredible amount from each other.

I don’t know what I would do without the support and the love that I have been given by the women in my life. When I stopped seeing them as potential threats, and as the beautiful people that they are, I began to realize more and more that they are no different. We are all on a journey to find love and fulfillment. We are all trying to find a way.

Mothers, sisters, and daughters…love yourselves and others, and stop believing lies.

Swallowing a lie

Feeling good not to feel at all

We fall…not victim to the substance, but to our own judgement

Lets play that game…the pill gets the frame

Don’t take responsibility for the self

Its a shame to place the blame, not on a person, but on a thing

Lets choose the chain, fry the brain, it doesn’t matter, its all the same

Over and over again, the cycle won’t die before we do

When the chips are down, they medicate our medication

More substance, less judgement

The cycle begins again

How can we win?  When instead of being free, we choose to worship the sin?

Come again?  Another pill to fix the other pill?

Hell yes we say, like sheep being carried away to slay.

Overprescribed…underinspired…The American Way

Purification is the next step.

I will not become whole through another person.

I will not become whole through education.

I will not become whole through material wealth.

I will definitely not become a whole person without focus, and this is what I am trying to address.  I’ve mentioned before the harmony that is experienced when your mind, your  body, and your soul are aligned.  This does not come naturally to me, or any of us, I think.  It requires focus.  I need my spirit, my body, and my mind to be in harmony…in order for me to be whole.

Detox is a way to release the body of pollution.  Fasting is a way to focus the energy, by allowing the body to become empty, and at the same time, focus the mind.  You give up the food (for a while), so that you can allow the body to spend it’s energy elsewhere…and it does.  Instead of thinking of it as a way to lose something, you must think of it as a way to allow yourself to gain something.  It’s like a rebirth.

The important choice that you make in this process, is how you spend your time, and what you do when it’s over.

My intention is to spend time in meditation, search within myself, read, and write as much as possible.  The meditation will help with the hunger, and focus the mind.  The search will allow myself to receptive.  Reading will inspire me, and writing will give me release.

It is a choice, and it is mine to make.

Taoist writings often say that the highest attainment of human understanding of true Tao …is to be like a child, as if you had learned nothing, and are experiencing life and its intricacies for the first time.  But there is so much contradiction in this idea that I had to read further.  This is the way that I interpret what I have learned and how I try to apply it to my life.

The problem with writings based on spirituality and philosophy is that they are so broad in describing how these principles apply to individual people.  There is a gap in communication because of the individual way that people perceive things…  so, in order to remedy this particular problem, I will speak for myself only.

The beauty of the way children perceive the world is the vitality and freshness of their minds.  Their minds are thirsty, and it seems as if that thirst can never be quenched.  As a child, I took in anything and everything that I was told.  I believed everything that I was told…often to my own detriment.  The fact remains, that because I was a child, and my heart and mind was open and trusting, I was pure.  I did not have to be right and I did not have to know everything.  I had an eager mind, and was open to be taught.  To me, this is one of the higher levels of understanding that a human being can accomplish. 

If your thirst is quenched…there is no more need to drink…right?  In other words, a person that believes they have figured it all out, has no apparent need to learn, at least in their own minds.

Over time, my head began to “fill up.”   It was filled with facts, theories, categorical imperatives, religious imperatives, and lies.  My cup was full.  There was no more room to grow, and the worst part was that I was incredibly unhappy, and angry, and ironically…completely unfulfilled.

                THIS, to me, is the worst mistake a human being can make.  The universe is so filled with mystery, and there is so much that we don’t know.  My search will never end because you see…when I broke those barriers, and began to open up my mind, incredible things began to happen.  I started to see the world not as something to conquer, but something to be in perfect harmony with.  All of the struggles that I went through started to tell the story of my life in a way that is now clear to me.  Once I opened up, the intricacies of life started to piece together.  I began to understand why I had to go through the journeys that I experienced, and even better, I learned how to apply what I learned through these experiences. 

 I have learned a lot in the process, but the way I see it…I am a child, and my cup is empty, and it always will be.  With that, I am fulfilled.

I don’t know all the answers, but I have ears to listen.  I don’t say all the right things, but I have a voice.  I can’t promise that I will always be the same, we were meant to grow.

I will hurt your feelings, and you will hurt mine.  We will not always see the world the same way.  I will not look, act, think, or pray like you.

Love is what holds us together and makes our differences beautiful.  Love comes from within, and I will never run out.  Love is renewable, and can never be destroyed. Love does not require Love in return. 

I don’t expect or require anything from  you.  I may not even know you. 

But…I Love, and thats all I need.

Yes…in this blog, I am going to talk about hair, and its incredibly profound effect on the way people see people.  For most of you who REALLY know me, my hair has always been a significant part of my life…being a white girl (and im talkin PALE) with dark, and very curly hair.  In the United States (but not limited to the United States), there is a very one-sided standard measure of beauty.  I like to break it down like this:  American model, and American porn star.  For most of my life…these are the two looks that been idolized by the media…and revered by men AND women.

Here is the stereotype:

You have the incredibly tall white girl, thin, with bleach blonde with straight, long hair…the model, and you have the (still) incredibly thin, tall, and white, bleach blonde with straight long hair, but with huge boobs…porn star.

Again, this is just one stereotype but you can see its effect on people, and how they view what people are supposed to look like…and act like for that matter.  Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being white, blonde, tall, thin, or having boobs…it’s just that in such a diverse country, it seems harmful for the media to reflect such a one sided image of beauty, and worse to reflect people that look different than this stereotype in a negative manner.

I remember being just a little girl and people would say…”what are you?” and look baffled, and surprised.  How do you respond to something like that?  I am a human being….not a novelty item.  Many people that I encountered, especially as a child, couldn’t get passed the hair.  It’s such a superficial thing.  I imagine it affected me more as a child, because I had to interact with other children…who don’t have the filters that adults learn to use over time.

I grew up in a very small city and attended elementary school with a fairly diverse population.  I had friends there, and didn’t really recognize things like racism, and prejudice until…like a lot of white kids…I was moved to the suburbs, and sent to schools with a largely white population (JUST before middle school and high school).  This is when I realized that hair was such a big thing (at least in my life).  This kind of shallow attitude is learned at an early age, and isn’t easily broken, until it is recognized and dealt with.

There is no point in blaming people for being shallow or judgmental.  There are so many barriers in life that keep people from seeing their own nature, and understanding where it comes from…and so much of it is either learned…or stems from pure insecurity.  This attitude leads to extreme behavior…people spend an incredible amount of money of trying to perfect their image (according to that stereotypical European standard), instead of trying to be strong and healthy.  We use dyes, chemicals, pills, and even surgery to be looked at the way we look at these model/porn star stereotypes.

The fact is that all people are either going to die young, or grow old.  It is better to work on yourself as a whole person, rather than be trapped in the lie that you must conform to such standards to be beautiful.

When the shallow person loses their looks, lets hope they have something else to live for.

Some believe that you can not experience the soul except through the body.  I don’t know if this is true or not…but I know this:  When the body is polluted, it slows the mind, and it stifles the spirit…at least it does to mine.

One of my great attempts in life is to have a strong mind, body, and soul.  To me, you can not fully have 1 without the other.  I’m not talking about dieting, and getting skinny, and reading self help books.  I’m talking about releasing a stifled spirit by nurturing it through the body and the mind.

We live in a polluted world, we eat polluted food, and we have polluted minds.  I want to live well.  There is a big difference between being decadent and living well.  With the body, it is the difference between eating food to nourish the body, not to merely satisfy an appetite.  For the mind, it is to be receptive to good wisdom and maintaining an attitude of humility…not education for the sake of education.  For the soul, it is allowing the positive self that already exists within to be the source of energy for all endeavors.

When I allow that part of myself (my soul) to be the motivation and drive for my actions…I find that I am more fulfilled.  Most of my ambitions come from my innate desire to give a message.  I want to be an example of love, strength, and faith…not just another person trying to get ahead or prove themselves “right.”

I have to admit, I’ve had to do some self reflection…again.  It is a never ending process.  Sometimes when we are motivated by something and we work really hard, it becomes an obsession.  When we become obsessed with something, we lose sight of the big picture, and the balance that keeps it all together (mind, body, and soul), shifts.  It is inevitable that it will end badly, either from altered motivations, or simply becoming burnt out.

I am incredibly guilty of this…as of late.

The next step is purification.

I am not a religious person.

Now before you go pulling out your pitchforks and cattle prods, please, hear me out.

I’ve said before that I grew up in church.  I did!  I went to church every Wednesday and Sunday for most of my life up until I moved out of my parents house at 18.  I was “saved” 3 times, which (by nature of the accepted definition) doesn’t make sense.  I associated mostly with “church people.”  I went on mission trips.  I sang in the youth worship team.  I said all the “right” things.  I had been telling people that I believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross to save us from our sins my whole life…before I could possibly know what something like that really meant.  I even studied at Liberty University…

By many peoples standards…I was religious as shit.

Why did I do this?  I did it because I was afraid that if I didn’t…then I would be a sinner that was going to Hell.

This is what I learned from religion:

It taught me not to tell the truth if it meant public embarrassment or admitting imperfection.  It taught me that I shouldn’t associate with people that think differently.  It taught me to be ashamed of my body.  It taught me to be guilty.  It taught me to judge people.  It taught me to exclude people.  It taught me to be afraid of God.  It taught me to be afraid to use my voice.  It taught me to repress myself.  It taught me that learning is a gateway to sin.

…I’ll stop here.

I don’t want anybody to think that I am coming at this with a feeling of blame or hate.  I truly believe that most people that are religious are really trying to do what they believe is right.  I just don’t think that church works.  I simply can not believe that any church, organization, or human being for that matter has the capability to fully explain the nature of God.  I also think that by trying to pretend to know how to explain the nature of God…human imperfection causes the message to be jumbled and people miss the point.   That doesn’t mean I don’t believe in God…it just means that I am okay with not knowing everything.

Its funny how little faith people have, especially the self professed religious folks.  They believe in this God capable of unconditional love, but they also believe that if you can’t say with 100% certainty that you are a “Christian” for example…then that God who possesses unconditional love will smite you…and send you to burn.

I have faith.  I don’t really even know in what…or why, but it doesn’t matter.  I don’t need to be right.  I also don’t need to be perfect.  I’m not going to feel guilty for the way I’ve chosen to live my life because I don’t think that we were given brains to sit in the mud and twiddle our thumbs, and be scared.  I’m also not going to feel guilty for admitting that I don’t know everything.  I have read the Bible…and I studied several other religions, and they all point to the same concepts.  The fact is…they were all put together by people to try and set guidelines based on the nature of God.  Who decides what is “divinely inspired” anyway?  I think if something comforts you, makes you want to be a better person, and inspires you to grow…it IS divine.

The only thing that we can do is try and live by wisdom and principles that work.  To me…that is what Jesus was trying to tell us.  Stop focusing on who is telling the message, whether it is Jesus, Buddha, a sage, or your uncle Phil…focus on the message, not the messenger.  There is plenty of good wisdom out there.  People shouldn’t be so quick to say they are the only ones that are right.

The message is Love.  Everything else falls into place when you learn how to love.

The lie that I feel like I’ve been told in life is that you must fear.

The fucked up part is that…the thing that most people tell you to fear is the truth.

I was asked recently by a reader to talk about something personal.

I struggle to find the right words when somebody asks me what it was like living in Lynchburg, Virginia.  I’m fairly positive that my experience there was quite unlike most others.  You have to understand, I had a strict upbringing and was raised in the church.  Liberty University was where I was sent to college despite my unhappiness with the decision.  Regardless, I was there for 3 years.

Like many others, my first college experiences were defined by one particular theme:  rebellion.  Unlike others however, binge drinking was not my only resort.  My reaction to a strict upbringing, and the new found freedom of living away from home was a violent, and destructive one.  I was quite good at hiding things from other people during this time.  I became a compulsive liar, and I was entirely self absorbed.  I sought to do nothing but the extreme opposite of what everybody around me was telling me to do.

Was I unbalanced? …I would say so.

The details of the three years I spent in Lynchburg are to be told another time.  To make a very long story short, I woke up one day and I found myself involved in a mess of masochistic behavior, and sadistic and predatory men.  I reacted to my upbringing, and my experiences with dogma, with self destruction.  I was trying to recreate myself, not by finding balance, but by switching entirely to “the dark side”…if you will.

Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t think that S&M is wrong.  I am saying that the way that I experienced it, and the reason that I did it was unwiseI was unprepared and I was naive and I was on a mission to self destruct.  Basically, I was prey.

I felt trapped by religion and church, which was supposed to have some inherent “light”, and I chose darkness.  I chose not to have a choice, or a voice for that matter.  At first it was empowering.  I was doing something on my own terms (or so I thought), and despite what others might think of me.  It was liberating.  After some time, however,  I realized that I’d only traded the metaphorical shackles of one extreme for the very real shackles of another.  Extremism.  I’d escaped nothing.

I feel like I’m talking about somebody else.  But it also amazes me that all of this was happening as I was attending one of the most conservative universities in the country.

It came to no surprise when I received a letter of 1 year suspension from Liberty University for various reasons.  I took this golden opportunity as my ticket out of that reality and into a new life and I did exactly that.  I applied to VCU, and transferred.  After only only a few months here, I gave my chains to the theatre department.

It has taken me five years to own up to my choices, and to recognize the gravity of what happened during my stay in Lynchburg, and learn from it.  I hope that I can be an example to people who seek escape through extreme measures. Finding balance is the most important thing.

You have to love Seattle. The skies are usually grey, and always seem to want to rain, but none of the frustration comes out in downpours.

The weather in Seattle reminds me of the people. It isn’t the southern hospitality that I’m used to, but I feel for the uptight Seattleites. When they glare at you for mixing your glass recyclables with paper, don’t take it the wrong way; after all…”when in Rome.” They may not smile at you in the grocery store, and would rather run over you than wait for you to cross the street, but you find the heart of Seattle people in their art, in their poetry, and in their music. This is where they channel their emotions. This is who they are. Under that uptight Seattleite exterior, there is just a community of artists who care for the world around them. Once you manage to have a conversation beyond pleasantries, you’ll find some of the most hospitable people you know.

In Seattle, you are always either walking upwards or downwards so it can be quite the workout. Walking is still the best option however because the chances of finding good parking is like winning the lottery. Besides, it’s beautiful. Many of the streets are lined in cherry blossoms, and if you stay close to the water, the view is incredible. Rainbows are a regular occurrence and when you stop and look just beyond the city, its magic. Snow-capped mountains and sparkling bodies of water grace the outskirts of the city. The air is crisp and clean, and the water tastes amazing straight from the tap. You can’t blame the locals for wanting to keep it that way.

When you absolutely have to drive, stick to the signs because they take them very seriously. Also, be very aware of pedestrians because seriously, they run this town. There is a direct sense of animosity between those driving and those walking in Seattle. Besides that… “Follow the arterial!” they say. I’m still not exactly sure what the hell an “arterial” is, but when navigating those hills, you never quite turn left or right, its more like…leftish…or right-like. I would strongly recommend a GPS.

Go on with your bad selves, Seattle folk. Next time I get a friendly neighborhood scowl, I will think of you with fondness.

I think I get it now, and I will definitely be back. J

Love,peace, and save the planet indeed, Seattle!

I wasn’t being true to myself.

When the fire cools, and the tide settles, all that you are left with is stillness and more reflection.  As it turns out, I wasn’t being true to myself, at least when it comes to personal relationships.   There… I said it.

Whats the point?

To some degree, all people have to compartmentalize their lives.  The person you become in one situation does not easily translate into all situations.  When do you turn it off?

Throwing yourself entirely into something takes a lot of sacrifice, so its important to be honest with yourself about what is actually motivating you.  You easily become get wrapped up in your own world, and it eventually becomes more than that, you get wrapped up in yourself.  Nobody should ever take themselves too seriously, and its something I am not too proud to own up to.  The problem is figuring out where to draw the line.

(When it comes to love, and personal relationships, I start to lose my ability to communicate, bear with me.)

Do work, but set boundaries and limitations.  You have a life to live, and you don’t want to miss out on one of the more profound experiences (personal relationships),  if its just for a self serving purpose.  People that know and love you will understand the sacrifices you are making in order to achieve a goal.  Make a conscious effort to keep those kinds of people in your life, even if you have to stop what you are doing for a minute just to lend an ear.  Nothing you are doing constitutes allowing a person to suffer alone, especially if there is something that you can do about it.

Stop!  Screeeeching halt.  I want to make this short and sweet.

Remind yourself sometimes that there are external things that change your path, or that at least guide you in another direction for a while.  If you look too far inward, you could lose sight of what is around you.  Is that the intended result?   IF it is not, make sure you keep searching.  At the very least, you will learn.

Trust yourself, but do not knowingly brush wisdom or good sense aside just because it did not come from you.

Yesterday, I sat down to write and felt creatively blocked.  My first instinct was to go out and observe the world and draw energy from life so that I could attempt to write about it in an original way. That was my first mistake, and I ended up with nothing but a hangover. The energy will come to you if you are open to it.

Today, I sat here at home and thought that I should start writing some clever observation about life based on something that I’ve experienced or seen.  Strike two.  There is nothing that I have seen that has not been seen before, and nobody likes “clever.”

If something is going to be worth writing about today, it is going to have to come from within.  If nothing else, it is honest.

I wrote before about observing the world without ego, as an exercise.  It is fun to try to take yourself out of an equation as a fresh way to look at things.  It allows you to spread your wings creatively but sometimes, when the right energy is just not there, you have to look within.  This is not a terrible last resort.  Self reflection is necessary and allows for growth, right?

Am I being true to myself?  What is the underlying motivation for my actions?  Have I grown?  What is something I should probably admit to myself?

They are tough questions for a self critique, but relevant.

Here are the things that I should admit to myself:

I let myself to be distracted more often than I should.  Going out to a bar alone with a laptop may not be the best way to study.  People watching is great but not when I have chapters to read.  Drinking with friends only constitutes research if the conversation is relevant or I am campaigning alcoholic beverages. (this last one falls in the motivation category also)

Am I being true to myself?

Yes, I believe for once in my life, I have given up some of the front that I have lived with for a long time.  This is progress I am happy to make.  I find that I no longer have to lie to people that I love, however there are consequences to this.  I have lost some friends in the process, and probably hurt the feelings of people that I care deeply for, but the truth has set me free.  Honesty really seems to be the best policy.

What motivates me?

I have allowed myself to stifle my own progress for YEARS.  I have put myself in situations that hold me back, knowingly.  Maybe I wasn’t ready, but mostly I think I allowed my own fears and self doubt take over.  The thing that motivates me now is seeing the fruits of my labor begin to show.

Have I grown?

Yes.

This material may not be the most reader friendly information, but these are the cards that I choose to play.

toodles